What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 03:42
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What 10 things have you stopped doing in your life?
And i lived it daily.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Put me off passion for life!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do married men know when their wives are having affairs?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Who then, do I blame.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do people see porn pics when they can watch porn videos instead?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She married twice! .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He knew the spot.
What did i know ?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I write beautiful poetry .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it wasn’t much.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When she asked me how she looked .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It was going to be , some day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I don,t even have a pension.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is soul school!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was 9 years of age.
I was very sick at this time too.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im still living with it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We were not on the streets..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I waited trembling.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I think the readers, may guess!
All the time i was locked up.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
So whats the point in blame.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We all went to grammer schools
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I have no regrets .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
Would this be the day?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!